If I Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda

I know we’ve played this game before- each of us, and I have serious doubts if anyone ever won, yet we play it over and over and over . . .

As a former coach, I watched game film and would beat myself up for not calling this time out, or not substituting this player for that player, for keeping this player in too long, for not changing this defense or that offense, for . . . As a teacher, I’d review test or quiz scores and think, if I had taught it this way, or in talking to a student who ended up hurt or disappointed, if I would have said this or not said that . . .  As a parent, I shake my head at some of the things I’ve said or have done with my children.  As a principal, as a person, as . . .  I think you get the picture.

No one wins this game.  No one.  Not the best of us, not the worst of us, not Joe-Average.  No one wins.  Hindsight is 20-20.  The problem is if we continually look backward and question each and every decision, each and every mistake, that’s all we end up doing in life.  We never progress, we never grow, we never become.

I don’t know who said this or I would attribute it correctly, but it goes like this:  “Never regret anything that has happened in your life; it cannot be changed, undone or forgotten.  So take it as a lesson learned and move on.”  What a great message!  It frees us from the never-ending cycle of “If I Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda”.  Yet, how difficult it is to quit that game.  In an earlier post, I wrote that “meditation and self-reflection can be hell on those of us who are perfectionists, even though we realize we are human”.  The self-reflective person naturally begins to play this game because we sincerely want to change, to do better and to not make the same mistake over and over again.  Self-reflection is a wonderful thing.  It is how we get better.  Yet, the never-ending game of “If I Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda” is a losing proposition because it doesn’t allow us to grow or to change.

There is an African Proverb that tells us, “When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” 

If we play “If I Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda”, we will always develop the enemy within us.  For your sake, for the sake of those around you, please stop playing this destructive game.  Instead, “. . . take it as a lesson learned and move on.”  Something to think about . . .

Live Your Life, and Make A Difference!

Relationships

Ever notice when you go to a pool or beach there are those brave souls who take a running start and sprint into the water and dive right in?  Then there are those, and I include me in this category, who wade in.  We first walk in getting our feet wet, then our legs up to our knees, then (heaven forbid!) our waist, then chest and shoulders and eventually, our head.  We do it slowly, carefully.  It takes time.  We get annoyed at those who splash around us. I mean, can’t they see we’re carefully preparing ourselves for the great submerge?

Relationships are often approached the same way.  There are those who dive right in, while there are those who take their time.  The reasons, the circumstances, the situations vary.  There isn’t a right or wrong way to approach relationships.  It comes down to comfort level.  I believe past experiences come into play.  Perhaps there are those who have been ‘burned’ in the past and as a result, are cautious.  There are those who are bold and no matter the time or place, they enter into relationships easily.

I admire those sprinters who take the rapid plunge, but no matter how much I might admire them, I tend to go slowly.

Whether or not one takes the plunge or moves at the rate of a glacier, I believe depth is the key.  The shallow end isn’t as interesting.  Standing in water up to one’s knee is okay, but a breeze comes up or the aggressive one near you plunges in and splashes you.  There is more to do in the deep end of the pool.  It is more satisfying.

The depth of the relationship is the key.  The more one is willing to share, to experience is the key.  The more one is willing to be receptive, to accept is important.  Take a look at those who are meaningful in your life, those who are so important to you that you long for their voice, a word or laugh from them, or those who are important just to be near even though no word is spoken.  I’m willing to bet you have more depth with them than with others.  The relationships you have in the deep end of the pool are the ones that are most satisfying to you.

No matter if you wade in or take a running start, getting to the deep end of the pool is the key.  Something to think about . . .

Live Your Life, and Make A Difference!

Rhythm

There are times when each of us gets down.  There are times when each of us gets frustrated, upset and angry.  There are times when we are faced with obstacles that seem absolutely insurmountable.  There are times . . .

My wife had just delivered Hannah, our firstborn.  I can’t begin to describe for you the joy I felt.  Unless you’re a parent, you just cannot understand.  I was holding her and the nurse had to ask me to give Hannah to her because she needed to clean her up. The nurse gave her back to me and then my wife, Kim, politely asked, “Can I hold her now?”  Embarrassed, I gently laid Hannah into Kim’s arms.  Peace and joy!  The way it is meant to be.

I left Kim and Hannah so I could go home, grab a few items and get cleaned up.  I stood in the elevator when an elderly man and his son entered.  Heck, I was excited and grinning ear to ear and the older man noticed and asked, “What is the occasion that you’re here this morning?”  I answered, “My wife just gave birth to our daughter, Hannah.  Our first.”  He nodded, looked down at the floor, and when he looked back at me there were tears in his eyes.  He said, “I just lost my wife and my best friend.  The Lord gives, and He takes away.  That’s life.” I apologized, and I didn’t know what to say.  In my absolute joy, this man just lost his wife and best friend, and the young man lost his mother.  The older man wiped a tear and shook his head, smiled and said, “It’s life.” My joy, his sorrow.

I think sometimes we forget the rhythm that life takes.  There is a song out right now that has a lyric, “Even storms run out of rain.”  And they do.  In the midst of disappointment, pain and sorrow, we forget that there will be success, relief and joy.  There will be low tides, just as there will be high.  There will be darkness, but the dark gives way to light.  There will be failure, but in failure comes success.  Mountains will give way to valleys and eventually to the plain.  Believe that!

Live Your Life, and Make A Difference!   

Clutter

My wife claims that I’m a pack rat and I have to agree with her.  There are things I have trouble parting with.  My record collection from middle and high school.  My teddy bear collection (Yeah, I know  . . . I know).  My antique iron collection. 

My oldest daughter is in college, but I have her red and white striped jumper she wore as a baby in a dresser drawer in the spare bedroom.  My wife and I called it her “Russian Sailor Suit”.  I just can’t give it away or throw it out.  My youngest daughter had her Polly Pockets collection and the various houses and buildings that went with them.  Every Saturday after breakfast for the longest time, Hannah and Emily would disappear into Emily’s bedroom and play for hours.  We would hear them talking in various voices, laughing and giggling, and Kim and I would laugh along with them without their knowledge.  I think Kim and I enjoyed it as much as they did.  When Emily decided she wanted to give them away, a piece of my heart went with them. 

I could go on and on.  There is the yearly tug and tussle with my wife who likes to throw out, clean out and make room.  But there are some things that are just too painful for me to get rid of or give away.  At some point, I’ll reluctantly give in and give away, perhaps throw away.  That’s the reality of it.  I might not like it, but I know there is only so much space and honestly, I’m the type of guy who can find meaning and purpose in just about anything, so . . .

I think there is such a thing as emotional clutter. 

Feelings and thoughts we hoard and hold onto.  Sometimes this clutter gets in the way of the acceptance of others.  Sometimes this clutter gets in the way of growing and the acceptance of ourselves. The old, tried and tested patterns of thought and reaction prevents us from giving others a chance, an opportunity to change- at least in our own eyes.  Sometimes the way we think of ourselves is in itself a handicap preventing us from growing, preventing us from changing. 

Each day we have the opportunity to change.  Therefore, why would we continue to think and do in the same pattern that we’ve always thought and acted, especially if those thoughts and behaviors are destructive to us?  Why would we continue to think and do in the same pattern that we’ve always thought and acted if these thoughts and behaviors are somehow stilting us from growing? If I act and think now as I did as a twenty-something, I’m denying the opportunity for me to grow, to change, to become.    

Masahide, a 17^th century Japanese poet and samurai once said, "Barn's burnt down - now I can see the moon."

Perhaps it’s time to burn a barn or two.  We might not like it.  It might cause some pain.  But in the end, we will see a bit clearer.  That way, we’re a bit freer.  That way, we can move on, grow.  And, get rid of a bit of clutter, emotional or otherwise.  That might make us, and others, happier in the long run.  Something to think about . . .

Live Your Life, and Make A Difference!

Storms

I love thunderstorms.  As a kid, I’d sit on our front porch and watch the clouds open up and the rain pound the ground.  I was fascinated (still am) by the drill and flash of lightning and the force of the wind.  The sheer power of a storm was something to marvel at.  There was a particular smell that to this day, I associate with a good old fashion thunderstorm.  It is like no other smell that I can compare it to.  As I recall, my mom was not too enamored with me outside during a thunderstorm, especially when lightning was present and in retrospect, she was probably right.  I know that now as a parent, I make sure my kids are inside and safe.

I remember driving on an interstate in Wisconsin during one summer when the rain and storm was so intense, I had no visibility- none whatsoever.  I couldn’t see.  I didn’t know what, if anything, was in front of me.  I didn’t know what, if anything, was behind me.  I didn’t know where the side of the road was for me to pull off in order to stop and let the storm pass.  I was stuck.  There were three small children in the backseat, my wife in the front seat next to me, and I was behind the wheel.  I didn’t know where to turn, if I should turn and I knew that if I made one misstep, my wife and kids could be harmed.  I crept forward ever so slowly until I came to an overpass that provided brief shelter.  It was crowded because many other drivers and a few drenched motorcyclists wanted the same protection.  Somehow, we made room for one another.

Storms happen.  Sometimes they come out of nowhere.  Sometimes they are of our own creation.  Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of a storm created by someone else.  At times, we see no apparent way out, blinded by the swirl of chaos around us.  We can’t find a way forward.  We can’t see a way out.  Other times, there is that brief respite that gives a modicum of shelter and protection until it is safe to move forward once again.  And always, there will be a time when it is safe to move forward.  Always.  It may take time.  There is panic and fear.  There is concern for yourself and for others, perhaps loved ones.  But always, there will be a time when it is safe to move forward.  Always.  Something to think about . . .

Live Your Life, and Make A Difference!