Early
morning, the world dark, not even shadows. I sat in the bedroom’s corner in a rocking
chair, the same chair Kim and I used for both Hannah and Emily at their time. A
different time, a different place. No one awake, except for maybe Kim. I tried
to be as quiet as I could be, letting her sleep for as long as she needed. No
one else awake except for me, and for just a smidgeon of time, Mason. In my arms,
held tightly to my chest as I rocked and patted his back.
Raining
off and on most of the night. I imagined the world dark, dreary, and damp with
ghost-like fingers of fog creeping in amongst the trees in our backyard. Honestly,
didn’t dwell on that, but of Mason sleeping in my arms. His perfect smell, his
warmth.
At
first, his head nestled in my neck, rigid, his tiny hand grasping my finger. Then,
as I rocked and patted his back, his breathing changed, his body grew limp. He
understood he was safe, protected. Still grasping my finger, not letting go. Oh,
I held on and on, happy and content, not at all tired, Mason not at all heavy
in my arms.
My
mind drifted to long ago. First, Hannah in my arms, both of her tiny hands
wrapped around fingers of my hand as I tried to feed her a bottle in the dark
of night. Her eyes studying my face, not interested in the bottle past the
first few gulps. Just studying my face before falling back to sleep. Me holding
her, loving her, as much as I did then and do now. Oh, so much.
Then
to Emily. Always thirsty, wanting more, yet the same need and contentment being
held, fingers of her hand grasping mine. A heavier, bigger baby than Hannah,
yet so small. A different time, a different place.
Do
they understand I am wrapped around their fingers, their heart? It will
always be so.
How
our children wanting, needing to be held, to hold. Comfortable in our arms,
hearts beating the same rhythm, the same slow beat. Our arms to comfort, to
protect- as much for them as it is for us. Their tiny bodies fitting like
puzzle pieces snuggly, tightly, correctly in our arms. Hearing their laughter,
their quiet sighs, their yawns.
Our
children, merely babies at first, helpless and dependent upon us. Then, growing
to toddlers, to children exploring their world, always coming back to us for shelter,
for guidance, asking questions, seeking love and reassurance. Then onto young
adults and then older adults with lives and loves and families of their own,
leaving us as they pave their own way in their world, the world of their making.
And
as we grow older, wiser with experience, with love, and sometimes tempered with
pain and failure, how much more we need them then (now?), even though they are independent,
apart from us, different cities, different states, worlds and lives of their own.
Yet
we long to be held, and we seek that same comfort we gave them, their love, the
same love we gave them- sometimes expressed with words, but more often through
their eyes, their smiles, their infrequent visits.
And
while we text and sometimes call, the distance is only almost cut in half, not
perfectly, not nearly close enough, never enough for me, for you. The texts,
the calls, bring comfort, but not as warm or friendly or as satisfying as their
touch. Never like their touch.
But
we make do, knowing that in the end (and the end is coming at some point- for
us) creeps closer, stealthily, silently, dangerously closer. Until then, we
hang on, grasping their hands, knowing our hearts are wound tightly, beating softly,
yet with urgency for them, along with them. Sometimes not knowing how we feel,
and us, not sure how we can express it, only to love them, protect them, and give
them as only a mom or dad can, hoping and wondering if what we did for them,
are doing for them is and was enough? God, I hope so! Hoping beyond hope, that
after we pass, they, too, will find shelter and protection, comfort and love to
last their lifetime and beyond. Yes, beyond. Something to think about …
Live
Your Life, and Make A Difference! To
My Readers:
Connect
with me on Social Media:
Author
Website
at: https://www.jrlewisauthor.com
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Amazon at: http://www.amazon.com/Joseph-Lewis/e/B01FWB9AOI /
My
Books, Their Descriptions, and Links to Purchase
The
Lives Trilogy Prequel, Taking Lives: https://amzn.to/34nXBH5
FBI
Agent Pete Kelliher and his partner search for the clues behind the bodies of
six boys left in various and remote parts of the country. Even though they
don’t know one another, the lives of FBI Kelliher, 11-year-old Brett McGovern,
and 11-year-old George Tokay are separate pieces of a puzzle. The two boys
become interwoven with the same thread that Pete Kelliher holds in his hand.
The three of them are on a collision course and when that happens, their lives
are in jeopardy as each search for a way out.
Book
One of the Lives Trilogy, Stolen Lives: Literary Titan Gold Book Award
Winner! Best Thriller’s Editor’s Pick! Best Thrillers Runner Up Award Winner! https://amzn.to/3oMo4qZ
Two
thirteen-year-old boys are abducted off a safe suburban street. Kelliher and
his team of FBI agents have 24 hours to find them or they’ll end up like all
the others- dead! They have no leads, no clues, and nothing to go on. And the
possibility exists that one of his team members might be involved.
Book
Two of the Lives Trilogy, Shattered Lives: https://amzn.to/2RAYIk2
Six
men escaped and are out for revenge. The boys, recently freed from captivity,
are in danger and so are their families, but they don’t know it. The FBI has no
clues, no leads, and nothing to go on and because of that, cannot protect
them.
Book
Three of the Lives Trilogy, Splintered Lives: http://bit.ly/SplinteredLives
A 14-year-old boy knows the end is coming.
What he doesn’t know is when, where, or by whom. Without that knowledge, the
FBI cannot protect him or his family. And he cannot protect himself, his
father, or his brothers.
Caught
in a Web:
A PenCraft Literary Award Winner! Named “One of the Best Thrillers of 2018!” by
BestThrillers http://bit.ly/2WO3kka
Now Available in Audio
Book, Kindle and Paperback: https://www.amazon.com/Caught-in-Web-Joseph-Lewis-audiobook/dp/B07RP42BXH/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1700666203&sr=8-1
Bodies
of high school and middle school kids are found dead from an overdose of heroin
and fentanyl. MS-13, a violent gang originating in California, controls the
drug, sex, and gun trades along the I-94 and I-43 corridors and the Milwaukee
Metro area. They send an enforcer, Ricardo Fuentes from Chicago to Waukesha to
find out who is cutting in on their business, shut it down and teach them a
lesson. But he has an ulterior motive: find and kill a fifteen-year-old boy,
George Tokay, who had killed his cousin the previous summer.
Spiral
Into Darkness: Named a
Recommended Read in the Author Shout Reader Awards! https://amzn.to/2RBWvTm
He
blends in and is successful, intelligent, and methodical. He has a list and has
murdered eight on it so far. There is no discernible pattern, no clues, and
there are no leads. The only thing the FBI and local police have to go on is
the method of death: two bullets to the face- gruesome and meant to send a
message. But it’s difficult to understand any message coming from a dark and
damaged mind. Two adopted boys, struggling in their own world, do not know they
are the next targets. Neither does their family, and neither does law
enforcement.
Betrayed: A Best
Thriller’s 1st Place Award for Crime Fiction! Maxy Award
Runner-Up! A Literary Titan Silver Book Award Winner! https://amzn.to/2EKHudx
Now
Available in Audio Book, Kindle and Paperback! https://amzn.to/3AfUUpS
A
late-night phone call, a missing kid, a murdered family, but no one is willing
to talk. A promise is made and kept, but it could mean the death of a
fifteen-year-old boy. Seeing is not believing. No one can be trusted, and the
hunters become the hunted.
Blaze
In, Blaze Out
– Best Action Fiction Book of 2022- Best Thrillers! Reader’s Favorite Runner
Up! Literary Titan Gold Book Award! https://amzn.to/34lNllP
Now Available in Audio
Book, Kindle and Paperback! https://www.amazon.com/Audible-Blaze-In-Out/dp/B0C6FKHJZ8/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1700665936&sr=8-1
Detectives
Eiselmann and O’Connor thought the conviction of a Ukrainian gang lord meant the end, but it was only the
beginning. They forgot that revenge knows no boundaries, vindictiveness knows
no restraints, and ruthlessness never worries about collateral damage. A target
is a target, and in the end, the target will die. Eiselmann and O’Connor become
the hunted, but they don’t know by whom or when they will strike.
Fan Mail – New Release! A Reader’s Favorite Silver Book Award! Maxy
Award Finalist! Eric Hoffer Award Nominee! Literary Titan Silver Book Award! https://amzn.to/3eNgSdS
A barrage of threatening
letters, a car bomb, and a heart attack rip apart what was once a close-knit
family of adopted brothers. Randy and Bobby, along with fellow band member and
best friend, Danny, receive fan mail that turns menacing. They ignore it, but
to their detriment. The sender turns up the heat. Violence upends their world.
It rocks the relationship between the boys and ripples through their family,
nearly killing their dad.
As these boys turn on each other, adopted brother Brian flashes
back to that event in Arizona where he nearly lost his life saving his
brothers. The scars on his face and arms healed, but not his heart.
Would he once again have to put himself in
harm’s way to save them? And if faced with that choice, will he?
Fan Mail is
a Coming-of-Age story embedded in a Thriller-Crime-Mystery.
Photos
Courtesy of the Lewis Family
