Simple Thoughts From A Complicated Mind, Sort Of . . .

Sunday, July 9, 2023

Dear Wil ...

Dear Wil …

It will be nine long years on Wednesday. The last we spoke was nine long years, July 11^th, when you called to wish mom and me a happy anniversary. Nine years ago, you had called on a Friday. We laughed because you weren’t sure which day was our anniversary, and you explained you were never good with dates. I knew that. So did mom and Hannah and Emily. Hannah had mentioned to us you would call her when some birthday or anniversary popped up just so you could get the right day.

Nine long years ago …

I think back to your call often, if only to remember your voice, your smile and your laugh. That memory has always warmed my heart. Especially your laugh and your goofiness. Your playfulness.

You were excited to tell us about the new job you were to begin. You called it your dream job. A fashion photographer for a large online company. Your first job with a salary and benefits. You couldn’t wait. Mom and I were so proud of you. You struggled as many young people do coming out of college. Sometimes it’s difficult to find your ground and master your step in life, but on that Monday, you were to begin. You had conquered a small mountain and begin a new life. So proud of you, Wil.

You and Maria had just moved to Chicago. A new apartment, a new place to establish your roots. You and Maria had even talked about having children. I have to admit, I looked forward to being “Grandpa” and mom looked forward to being “Grandma.” We knew it would be a while before you and Maria settled, but getting that job, your dream job, was a first big step.

Maria spent that weekend with her sister and her family in Madison. You stayed home to finish a photo project. In hindsight, I wish you would have gone with Maria. It wouldn’t be nine long years before we heard your voice, your laugh. But that happens. Not blaming you at all, Wil. You were being responsible and finishing a project.

That day, you worked on your project. You took a break for a walk to get lunch and do some shopping for your apartment. On your way back, our lives changed. Nine long years ago.

I think back to the phone call. Mom and I were asleep in a hotel, and we thought someone had made a mistake and called the wrong room. After all, it was 12:38 am. Mistakes happen at that hour. In retrospect, mistakes happen at 3:30 pm on a street on a warm summer day. On July 12^th.

I have many, many regrets, Wil. I very much wish I would have been a better father for you. I’ll admit, I think I’m a better father now with Hannah and Emily. At least, I think I am, but Hannah and Em would know better. But you were our first, and I didn’t have a map or a guidebook to follow. I did my best, but never measured up- at least, in my mind.

I think we both did our best. You as son, and me as dad. Still, I feel I came up short.

What I wish most of all was that I was with you that afternoon walking along the street on that warm day, on July 12^th. Perhaps the day would have ended differently. Who knows? It could have been me instead of you, and honestly, I would have accepted that. You shouldn’t have been alone.

What I wouldn’t give for one more laugh with you, one more conversation with you. One more time to tell you I loved you and how very proud I was … am … of you. What a wonderful son and brother you were.

I think back to that day and the court appearances that followed, the trials, seeing the photos, hearing the facts, the details, witnessing the cold, callousness of the three involved. But what I remember most about that time, that day, was not the blood on the street or the shopping bags containing the items for your apartment. No. What I remember, what has been seared in my brain and carved in my soul, was the picture of one of your flip-flops on the sidewalk. That photo still haunts me.

It didn’t have to be, Wil. You know that. I know that. Mom, and Hannah, and Emily know that. Everyone knows that. A shitty decision by a fifteen-year-old holding a gun, whose idea it was to “take care of business” as it was stated in court. To “go wet his shirt” the fifteen-year-old was told. Cold. Callous.

You were only walking along the street, minding your own business.

The bullet was meant for someone else. You became his shield so he could get away. Using another human being, my son, shield.

What hurts me is that I wasn’t there for you. I wasn’t there with you. You were alone. Dads are supposed to protect their sons and daughters. I had no way of knowing, Wil. I’m sorry. You were alone.

I wonder what went through your mind as you lay on the cement sidewalk. I wonder what your last thoughts were. Were you thinking about Maria? The project you were working on? Hannah or Emily? Mom and me? Your new job that was to begin on Monday? I can imagine you smiling at those thoughts. I want to believe you were smiling at those thoughts. Happy for a moment, before everything changed. Everything.

Wil, I came across a song that could be our song. James Blunt wrote it for his father. His father had cancer, and James wrote this song for him. I would sing it for you, Wil, but I wouldn’t get through the first line or two. No way. I would try, but I would fail miserably. Perhaps fail as I did that Saturday, July 12, 2014, when I wasn’t with you.

Here are the lyrics for you. We’d have to tweak them to make it fit us, you and me. But you get the meaning, I’m sure. At the end of the lyrics, I attached the link to his music video. I think you’ll like it. James’s heart is in it, just as mine would be. How could it not?

The song is titled, Monsters. A good title. Blunt says it much better than I could, though it matches what my heart feels.

[Verse 1]
Oh, before they turn off all the lights
I won’t read you your wrongs or your rights
The time has gone
I’ll tell you goodnight, close the door
Tell you “I love you” once more
The time has gone, so here it is

[Chorus]
I’m not your son, you’re not my father
We’re just two grown men saying goodbye
No need to forgive, no need to forget
I know your mistakes and you know mine
And while you’re sleeping, I’ll try to make you proud
So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes?
Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn
To chase the monsters away

[Verse 2]
Oh, well I’ll read a story to you
Only difference is this one is true
The time has gone
I folded your clothes on the chair
I hope you sleep well, don’t be scared
The time has gone, so here it is

[Chorus]
I’m not your son, you’re not my father
We’re just two grown men saying goodbye
No need to forgive, no need to forget
I know your mistakes and you know mine
And while you’re sleeping, I’ll try to make you proud
So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes?
Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn
To chase the monsters away

[Bridge]
Sleep a lifetime
Yes and breathe a last word
You can feel my hand on your own
I will be the last one so I’ll leave a light on
Let there be no darkness in your heart

[Chorus]
But I’m not your son, you’re not my father
We’re just two grown men saying goodbye
No need to forgive, no need to forget
I know your mistakes and you know mine
And while you’re sleeping, I’ll try to make you proud
So, daddy, won’t you just close your eyes?
Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn
To chase the monsters away

The music video for Monsters by James Blunt, who wrote this for his father, Charles, who lay on his deathbed as he battled cancer. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTFbGcnl0po

I’ll close now, Wil. It’s the best I could do for you. You know I think of you often and not just at this time of year. Not just on July 12^th. Always and forever.

Please know I did the best I could to be your dad, your father. And we both know that wasn’t good enough. Til we meet again. Love you, Wil. Always and forever.

Dad

Something to think about …

Live Your Life, and Make A Difference!

Photos by Joshua J. Cotton and Timothy Dykes and Unsplash.

Sunday, June 25, 2023

A Big Change!

At times, life can throw you a curve ball. Some aren’t welcome: health news; financial news; death. Some are more than welcome: health news; financial news; an expected birth.

One week ago, on Monday morning at 7:09 AM, Kim and I gained new titles: Grandparents!

Hannah and her husband, Alex, gave birth to a baby boy, Mason William. Their first child. Our first grandchild. 6 pounds, 14 ounces, and 20 inches long. Almost mirrored Hannah at her birth, who was one ounce and one inch less. Both had a head of hair. Both came out wide awake without crying, more curious than anything. And both, tiny.

Our world, and their world, changed expectantly and excitedly. Forever changed, and we welcome it!

Kim and I spent most of the week at their house helping them. Not at all in an intrusive way, but gently suggesting this or that, but honestly, Hannah is perfect at being a mom. She’s got this. Alex, who had never changed a diaper before Mason arrived, is learning, but he’s a quick study and both are excellent parents. You can see the love they have for Mason and for each other in the way they interact with him and between the two of them. It’s beautiful to see.

And it is beautiful in the way Kim has become a grandmother. So gentle, so loving, so kind and generous of her time and talent. Watching her with Mason, and with Hannah and Alex, only reminded me of how much I love her. It brought back a flood of memories with our two babies, Hannah and Emily. Both different, but in many ways, both similar. Watching Emily as an aunt is also beautiful to see. Gentle, a little lacking in confidence, but she too will get it and in the short time she was there, got it. She’ll be a great aunt, just as she is a wonderful sister and a terrific daughter. I love her to pieces.

Our new life. This curveball accepted willingly and gladly. Happily.

I’ve written before how life has its ups and downs. Like waves on the ocean, troughs and crests. We ride them, navigate them. We embrace them. Knowing how old I am- hitting 70 in November, this is welcomed and reminds me that life is truly worth living, and loving. I’m smiling through it all. A tear or two of joy. Precious to hold and to behold. Truly, life is worth living no matter the fastball, no matter the curve ball. Ride the wave like an expert surfer. Sometimes falling, only to climb back up on the board, wiping the water from the eye, and catching the next wave. Something to think about …

Live Your Life, and Make A Difference!

To My Readers:

Connect with me on Social Media:

Author Website at: https://www.jrlewisauthor.blog

Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/Joseph.Lewis.Author

Instagram at: https://www.Instagram.com/joseph.lewis.author

Amazon at: http://www.amazon.com/Joseph-Lewis/e/B01FWB9AOI /

My Publisher, Black Rose Writing, has a special deal for you! From 7/2 through 7/5 my book, Betrayed is only $.99 for Amazon Kindle! The book blurb and the link to the book is below for your convenience.

Betrayed: Two Top Shelf Awards: 1^st Place Fiction-Mystery; and Runner-Up Fiction-Crime; A PenCraft 1^st Place Winner for Thriller-Fiction! A Maxy Award Runner-Up for Mystery/Suspense! A Literary Titan Silver Book Award Winner! A Reader’s Ready Recommended Read Award Winner! A Reader’s Favorite Honorable Mention Award Winner for Fiction-Crime-Mystery!

Betrayed is Now Available in Audio Book, Kindle and Paperback! https://amzn.to/3AfUUpS

A late-night phone call, a missing kid, a murdered family, but no one is talking. A promise is made and kept, but it could mean the death of a fifteen-year-old boy. Greed can be all-consuming, and seeing is not believing. No one can be trusted, and the hunters become the hunted. https://amzn.to/2EKHudx

Fan Mail: New Release! A Maxy Award Finalist, an Eric Hoffer Award Nominee, and a Literary Titan Silver Book Award Winner!

A barrage of threatening letters, a car bomb, and a heart attack rip apart what was once a close-knit family of adopted brothers. Randy and Bobby, along with fellow band member and best friend, Danny, receive fan mail that turns menacing. They ignore it, but to their detriment. The sender turns up the heat. Violence upends their world. It rocks the relationship between the boys and ripples through their family, nearly killing their dad.

As these boys turn on each other, adopted brother Brian flashes back to that event in Arizona where he nearly lost his life saving his brothers. The scars on his face and arms healed, but not his heart.

Would he once again have to put himself in harm’s way to save them? And if faced with that choice, will he? https://amzn.to/3eNgSdS

Blaze In, Blaze Out: Best Action Crime Thriller of 2022 by Best Thrillers! A Literary Titan Gold Book Award Winner! A Readers’ Favorite Award Winner! A Reader’s Ready Recommended Read! A BestThriller’s Editor’s Pick!

Blaze In, Blaze Out is Now Available in Audio Book, Kindle and Paperback! https://www.audible.com/acx-promo\

Eiselmann and O’Connor thought the conviction of Dmitry Andruko, the head of a Ukrainian crime family, meant the end. It was only the beginning. They forgot that revenge knows no boundaries, vindictiveness knows no restraints, and ruthlessness never worries about collateral damage. Andruko hired contract killers to go after and kill O’Connor and Eiselmann.

The killers can be anyone and be anywhere. They can strike at any time. They care nothing of collateral damage. Andruko believes a target is a target, and in the end, the target must die. https://amzn.to/34lNllP

Caught in a Web: A PenCraft Literary Award Winner! Named “One of the Best Thrillers of 2018!” by BestThrillers.com

Caught in a Web is also available in Audio Book, Kindle and Paperback! http://bit.ly/2WO3kka

They found the bodies of high school and middle school kids dead from an overdose of heroin and fentanyl. A violent gang, MS-13, controls the drug trade along the I-94 and I-43 corridors. They send Ricardo Fuentes to find out who is cutting in on their business, shut it down and teach them a lesson. But he has an ulterior motive: find and kill a fifteen-year-old boy, George Tokay.

Detectives Jamie Graff, Pat O’Connor and Paul Eiselmann race to find the source of the drugs, shut down the ring, and find Fuentes before he kills anyone else. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CKF7696

Spiral Into Darkness: Named a Recommended Read in the Author Shout Reader Awards!

Would you recognize a serial killer if one spoke to you? Vincent and Shirley didn’t, and now they’re dead!

He blends in, is successful, intelligent, and methodical. So far, he has murdered eight people. There is no discernible pattern, no clues, and no leads. The only thing the FBI and local police have to go on is the method of death: two bullets to the face- gruesome and meant to send a message. But it’s difficult to understand any message coming from a dark and damaged mind. Two adopted boys, struggling in their own world, do not know they are the next targets, and neither does their family or local law enforcement. https://amzn.to/2RBWvTm

The Lives Trilogy Prequel, Taking Lives:

FBI Agent Pete Kelliher and his partner search for the clues behind the bodies of six boys left in various and remote parts of the country. Even though they live in separate parts of the country, the lives of Kelliher, 11-year-old Brett McGovern, and 11-year-old George Tokay are separate pieces of a puzzle. The two boys become interwoven with the same thread Kelliher holds in his hand. The three of them are on a collision course and when that happens, their futures grow dark as each search for a way out. https://amzn.to/34nXBH5

Book One, Stolen Lives: Editor’s Pick by BestThrillers! Literary Titan Gold Book Award Winner! A Crime Thriller finalist in the 2021 Best Thriller Book Awards!

Two thirteen-year-old boys are abducted off a safe suburban street. Kelliher and his team of FBI agents have 24 hours to find them or they will end up like the other kids they found- dead! They have no leads, no clues, and nothing to go on. To make the investigation that much tougher, Kelliher suspects that one of his team members might be involved. https://amzn.to/3oMo4qZ

Book Two of the Lives Trilogy, Shattered Lives:

The boys are home, but now they have to fit back in with their families and friends. Their parents and the FBI thought the boys were safe. They were until people began dying. Now the hunt is on for six dangerous and desperate men who vow revenge. With no leads and nothing to go on, the FBI can only sit back and wait. A dangerous game that threatens not only the boys, but their families. https://amzn.to/2RAYIk2

Book Three of the Lives Trilogy, Splintered Lives:

Three dangerous men with nothing to lose offer a handsome reward to anyone willing to kill fourteen-year-old Brett McGovern. He does not know that he, his younger brother, and a friend are targets. More than anyone, these three men vow to kill George, whom they blame for forcing them to run and hide. A fun vacation turns into a nightmare and ends where it started, back on the Navajo Nation Reservation, high on a mesa held sacred by George and his grandfather. Outnumbered and outgunned, George will make the ultimate sacrifice to protect his adoptive father and his adoptive brothers- but can he? Without knowing who these men are? Or where they are? Without knowing whom to trust? Is he prepared for betrayal that leads to his heartbreak and death? http://bit.ly/SplinteredLives

Photos courtesy of Hannah Adley

Sunday, June 4, 2023

The Watch

I read this story on Instagram, fell in love with it, and wanted to pass it on to each of you who take the time to read my blog. It comes from Mindset Therapy. It goes like this …

Before he died, a father said to his son, “Here is a watch your grandfather gave me. It’s almost 200 years old. Before I give it to you, go to the jewelry store downtown. Tell them I want to sell it and see how much they offer you.”

The son went to the jewelry store, came back to his father, and said, “They offered $150 because it’s too old.” The father said, “Go to the pawn shop.”

The son went to the pawn shop, came back to his father, and said, “The pawn shop offered $10 because it looks too worn out.” The father asked his son to go to the museum and show them the watch.

He went to the museum, came back, and said to his father, “The curator offered $500,000 for this very rare piece to be included in their precious antique collections.”

The father said, “I wanted to let you know that the right place values you in the right way. Don’t find yourself in the wrong place and get angry if you are not valued. Those that know your value are those who appreciate you. Don’t stay in a place where nobody sees your value.”

The Moral of the Story …

Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

I’ve worked in some positions where I didn’t feel valued. I’ve also been involved in relationships where I didn’t feel valued. In each case, I thought something might be wrong with me. I felt I was to blame, and I suppose to some degree, I probably was to blame. But perhaps I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and in a relationship I didn’t belong. That might apply to many of us. Sometimes it happens to ourselves, while other times, it is someone else’s doing.

I had a professor in my counseling program who followed most of the tenets of Alfred Adler, a psychotherapist. His was a philosophy I adhered to more times than not. My professor had a saying, “Don’t wear the shirt if it doesn’t fit.”

We’ve all done this before and still do from time to time, but wearing the wrong shirt doesn’t feel right. If it’s too large, we drown in it, or if it’s too small, we feel constricted. But if we put on the right shirt, a comfortable shirt that’s right for the occasion, well, it’s just right. Think of Goldilocks. One chair was too big, while another was too small. But one was just right.

Each of us, no matter how old or young you are, whether you have money to burn or are just scraping by, whether we’re famous or if we blend in anonymously, have value. We have value because, as humans, we are deserving of it. Don’t allow yourself to be in any place that doesn’t value you, and don’t allow yourself to be with anyone who doesn’t value you. You, each of you, have value. Please don’t think otherwise. Something to think about …

Live Your Life, and Make A Difference!

To My Readers:

Connect with me on Social Media:

Author Website at: https://www.jrlewisauthor.blog

Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/Joseph.Lewis.Author

Instagram at: https://www.Instagram.com/joseph.lewis.author

Amazon at: http://www.amazon.com/Joseph-Lewis/e/B01FWB9AOI /

My Publisher, Black Rose Writing, has a special deal for you! From 6/4 through 6/7, my book, Spiral Into Darkness is only $.99 for Amazon Kindle! The book blurb and the link to the book is below for your convenience.