As I wrote last
week, this past Friday was the sentencing hearing for the shooter in Kim’s and
my son’s murder. By any definition, it wasn’t easy. We didn’t know what to
expect.
Honestly, it was
Our Own Terrible Horrible Day.
I had only seen a
newspaper picture of the shooter. At the time he was charged, he was a skinny,
little kid of fifteen. My father-in-law remarked that at the first hearing, the
young man would turn around and smirk, and that smirk left our families angry.
I was prepared to
see something of a monster. I was prepared to hate the boy. While the two
assistant state prosecutors did their best to explain what we would see and
hear, no amount of preparation prepared us for what we were to see and hear.
We learned a little
bit more about how Wil was shot which was hard to hear, and the specific
statements by witnesses led to some confusion and even more anger. When one of
the assistant state prosecutors asked a series of questions, the young man
responded with a soft, “Yes, Sir.”
Then it came time
for us to present the “victim impact statement.” The four of us, Kim, Hannah,
Emily and I wrote it together. What was difficult was that the statement couldn’t
“bash” the defendant; the judge; the sentence; or the system. We were to state
the impact Wil’s murder had on us. Each of us had a few edits. My brother,
Jack, supplied the final paragraph.
From what Kim and
the girls said, there were quite a few tears as I read our statement. They
continued when Maria's brother, Tim, read Maria’s statement. As difficult as it
was to put thoughts into words and words onto paper, I know it was difficult to
listen to these two statements.
The young man
sobbed almost through the whole process, especially so during both of the
impact statements. He never raised his eyes from the floor if he opened them at
all.
We were all taken
aback when it was time for the young man's mother to speak. She lectured,
actually yelled at us on how we should feel and act towards her son. The
assistant state prosecutor had to ask the court to stop her. I can tell you it
left us angry. Looking back, she was a mom who was embarrassed and hurt and
scared. I get that now two days and a thousand miles later. I get that.
The young man was
given the opportunity to read his own statement. His hand shook as he took it
out of the envelope. Again, he sobbed. His lawyer had to read it because the
young man was too emotional.
Honestly, the
young man wrote a very sincere and heart-felt statement about how sorry he is
for the pain his actions have caused. He said he has rejected gang life and
that he wants to help others like him make better decisions and be better
people.
Deep down, Kim,
Hannah, Emily and I know that no amount of justice or time in prison will bring
Wil back. That one senseless, heartless act took Wil away from us.
Our girls will not
get another chance to be with their brother. They won’t get another chance to
receive the birthday call from him and Maria singing happy birthday to them.
There’s an empty
seat at the table now. Every Christmas our family tries to ignore it. There
aren’t any more phone calls. None of us will ever get a phone call just to ask
how it’s going. Each of us has a voicemail, and every time one of our phones
gets switched, panic sets in because we are afraid to lose one of the only
links to Wil we have. Just like his life, just like his smile, we’re afraid
we’ll lose that, too.
Wil wasn’t there
for Emily’s graduation from high school, but she certainly thought about him
that day. He won’t be there when Hannah or Emily graduate from college. He was
not there when Emily played her first collegiate soccer game, which tore at her
because he was always pushing her to get where she is today. He never got to
see her play and she wanted to share her first collegiate start with him. But
she couldn’t because Wil was gone.
Hannah threw
herself into school. Each of us have been worried because she was away and we
couldn’t be there for her. We watched as she developed anxiety about being away
from home. We watched her try to keep all of her feelings in, for Emily’s sake.
In one day Hannah lost the one person she turned to talk to at odd hours of the
day, the person she relied on to keep her secrets, the person she went to for
advice and the person who was her best friend.
We’ve watched
Maria change. It is as if an important piece of her soul is missing. Her smile
isn’t as bright as it once was. We feel like we’ve drifted away from Maria, and
we feel like she has drifted away from us, but we understand because it is just
too hard. There are too many reminders and each of those reminders and each of
those memories are painful.
One stupid,
senseless and heartless choice changed our family forever. One senseless act,
one heartless act, took our son and Hannah’s and Emily’s brother, and Maria’s
husband away. Wil is gone. Wil is dead. Wil has been murdered.
So, the young man,
now eighteen, wrote a statement which was read by his attorney. The young man
apologized. He stated his determination to change. He rejected gangs and gang
life. He wants to help other, younger kids from making the same mistakes and
choices he has made.
Do we believe him?
A part of me
really wants to but his actions will ultimately tell the real story. I put a
lot of stock in actions. I’ve written in other posts that actions manifest what
is in a person’s heart. Words, on the other hand, are meaningless without the
actions to back them up.
I will never
forgive what the young man did on the afternoon of July 12, 2014. Never. That
one decision, that one choice affected so many and altered our lives in ways we’re
still trying to understand.
But . . .
If Wil's death
helps this young man change his life for the better, then it would help give me
. . . perhaps give us . . . a little peace.
I’ve written in
many posts of my belief in the good of man. I’ve written that while there is
ugliness in our world, each of us can, and should, work to make it better. We
make it better by our choices, by our words, but mostly by our actions. I have
to believe in the ultimate good in man. I have to. So, while I cannot and will
not forgive the young man’s choice, the young man’s action, I can and will
forgive the young man himself. I think Wil would want that. I sincerely believe
that.
So perhaps Our Own
Terrible Horrible Day might, in time . . . in a long, long time, turn out . . .
So many emotions,
so much to process. Something to think about . . .
Live Your Life,
and Make A Difference!
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